i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
