The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
