dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
