What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize