Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
