If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
