I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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