I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
