dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He shit in the fireplace
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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