my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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