Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
