Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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