i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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