I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
