I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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