the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I checked into jail on foursquare
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
