He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
