it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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