I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
