My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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