I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
