so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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