Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
