I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This house was built for laser tag.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
