You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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