you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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