You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Boobs speak an international language.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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