maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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