Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Never underestimate the power of titties
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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