This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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