Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think your dad took our porno
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
