My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
