Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
