i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
