My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
