Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
