a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
