I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
