she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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