I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
