YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He shit in the fireplace
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
