The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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