I wish I could teleport
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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