We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think your dad took our porno
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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