She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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