I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
