my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
