so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize