It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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