I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
