If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
