I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
