o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
