I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
