what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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