I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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