sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
