I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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