How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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