Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
