I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
