I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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