I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
